


My Prick Fancies you SNAPE!

by ruhanacocco



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Dick Jokes, Harry and his prick in discorrd, Harry wants his prick back, Humor, Idiots in Love, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Snape is angry, Spells & Enchantments, dick troubles, prick can talk, prick fancies Snape, prick has a crush, prick loves Snape, prick problems
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-02-26 09:05:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13232514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ruhanacocco/pseuds/ruhanacocco
Summary: Harry Potter has a problem. His problem is his prick.HIS PRICK FANCIES, SNAPE!What should he do?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Only using for fun. 
> 
> Not' betad. Not a native speaker.
> 
> CRACK/HUmour fic
> 
> Let me know if you want more?

My Prick Fancies YOU SNAPE!

 

MY name is Harry Potter. I’m 16 years old and –

_My prick fancies Snape._

Hermione says writing would take some pain away from my current predicament. Its not like I don't have plenty of other things to worry about, like a vicious Dark Lord wasn’t after me. Malfoy acting suspicious, hell SNAPe too, both acting suspicious together--- well that is another story…

Anyway, What should I do? Usually well,---- let’s start from the beginning. oR let’s say the beginning I suspect off as the beginning, the most likely beginning, its not 100% but most likely, eh…

Let’s start again. I'm Harry Potter and ~~I fancy Snape~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Scratch that!!!!!!!!!

 

My blasted prick fancies SNAPe!!!!!!!!!!OKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!???

 

Ah that's better. Let's make one thing perfectly clear, MY PRICK FANCIES SNAPE!!!!! I DO NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

AND IT TALKS!

 

"Hey shorty." MY prick, not only talks but calls me SHORTY! The nerve...

My prick gives me  a wink/more like a nudge that translates into a wink/ Thankfully it does not have eyes or----well it's normal, except--- it can talk to me/ thankfully only to me ,but yeh where was I, yes right, the beggining.--

 

###

 

There was some fight going on in the corridor about whatever... the usual suspects, G& S-

Ron, like the dumbass he is joined in, so I had to join in too, during the short fight I felt like something hit me but I was alright after...  my first mistake was not going to the infirmary. I shrugged it off, big mistake next thing I Know....

I was in my DEFense class, of course Snape was there I mean, he is the prof, duh-

 

when I heard...

 

"Hey sexy ..."

 

"What?" I turned thinking who was the bloody wanker, it was said fairy bloody loudly in a class with Snape! I meant he would go ballistic...

 

"What is Mr. Potter something you want to share with the class?" sneered Snape, coming right at me, still so greasy and sleazy even when not teaching potions,....UGH....

 

'SO UGLY' I THOUGHT -----"SO SEXY" I heard, from somewhere close by.... I didn't recognize the voice but shit would Snape think I said that???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had a mini panic attack--

 

"Eh, ahhh, sorry" Shit I heard that RIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT???

 

"What are you sorry for? Not concentrating on the class like you are supposed to?" mocked Snape. HE didn't hear? OR????

 

I just nodded dumbly, better to be accused of THAT, rather That calling him, UGH; sexy.  It made me want to throw up. DISGUSTING! IS THERE SOMEONE who FANCIES SNAPE; WHAT THE FUCK???? Some people have no taste... Or is it a prank...

"10 points from Gryffindor, Mr. Potter. Focus on the task I gave you. You do know what you should be doing?"

"Yes sir" I said hurriedly trying to cast the spell anything to seem busy. With a sneer he went away checking on some other ~~students~~ targets.

 

"NO SEXY COME BACK!"

 

I yelped indignantly, shocked through my bones. Feeling my soul shrivel in outrage.  IT WAS BLOODY LOUDER THAN BEFORE! Like someone shouting in my bloody ear!!!! I'm DOOMED!

 

Snape like the snake he was slithered back at lightning speed, like..... his sharp eyes zeroed on a snitch to catch or more likely a Gryffindor to humiliate. Interesting how he moved at warp speed when there were points to be taken away.

 

"Mr. Potter is there a problem?"

 

'Someone shouting sexy stuff' I thought dejectedly. Can I have no PEACE?  but no one said anything and everyone was staring at me like i was the bloody culprit. That was the last strove.

 

"IT wasn't me!" I said desperately.

 

"It' wasn't you, Mr. Potter?"

 

"No it wasn't, I swear I would never say that!" SHIT WILL HE BELIEVE ME??? SHit its SNAPE FAT CHANCE,...

 

"What was said that you would never say? hmmm lets hear it Mr Potter."

 

"Ahem I"

 

"NoW, Mr Potter what was said"

 

"But you heard it everyone did , I won't repeat it!!!!" Was he playing dumb???

 

"What will you not repeat? Don't play coy, Mr. Potter. What was said?"

 

"I didn't say it!!! I would never I would rather cut off my tongue than say it! I swear"

 

"I didn' ask for that you simpleton I asked WHAT WAS SAID?"

 

"Let some of your Slytherins say it I won't!!!!"

 

Snape glared ferociously at me, "another 10 points from Gryffindor, If you won't repeat what was said this instant, another 10 will be deducted plus a whole week of detention, you hear me?"  


 

"You can't!"

 

"I MOst certainly can and will. Now. Mr. Potter. "

 

Ron and Mione just looked incredulous they were eyeing me like i had grown another head. But I was stubborn, Hermione nudged me and whispered: "Just say it Harry!!!!!"

 

I thought a whole week of detention didn't sound so bad, but then I looked at Malfroy, he was positively glowing. DAMN IT! IT WAS MALFROY's ploy to take me out so that i won't be looking into his suspicious behavior and Snape was helping him!!!!!

 

 

I gathered my courage and said "If I say it, you won't be giving me detention? I wanted it to be  Confirmed. "I don't want to say it but if you force me I suppose  I will. But I don't want you to give me a detention just because I was forced to say it-"

 

"Is that a treat, Mr. Potter?"

 

"No its just a fact. So you still want me to say it?"

 

"Let's hear it, Mr. Potter. And don’t think you can make deals with me!"

 

"But Dumbledore can" I added furiously at the git.

 

"Dont think THat Prof. Dumbledore will keep saving you, you little nitwit. Now Potter what was said that got your knickers in a twist, hmm?"

 

"YES SEXY"

 

UGHHH, "You heard it!" DAmn the voice again...

 

"Don’t think you can change the subject! I already told you to repeat what was said. How many times must I repeat myself?"

 

"Fine someone said I don’t know who, I think someone like Malfroy..." There was a gasp of outrage coming from the snake's side.

 

"Stop diddling Potter and say it so we may continue,----"

 

"Fine but it has nothing to do with me, I strongly protest"

 

Snape rolled his eyes, "Duly noted, Potter don’t evade the question, another 10 points from Gryffindor."  
  
   
  
"Fine, someone said ....said…--wew,…. Said--"  
  
   
  
"What potter do you want another 10"  
  
   
  
_"NOSEXYCOMEBACK"_

  
  
"What I didn’t hear stop mumbling boy, and answer."  
  
   
  
I looked the bastard in the eye and shouted  
  
   
  
**_"NO SEXY COME BACK!!!!!"_**

  
  
It was worth it just for the look on Snape's face. I think he almost fainted. Deadly pale,... suddenly flushed bright red with anger.  
His eyes turning almost completely white, he leaned heavily on the table. His knuckles looked like they were firmly on the table, but if you looked closely they were lightly shaking with tremors.  Mouth open, trying to speak, but nothing came out...then...

  
  
"DID I HEAR YOU CORRECTLY, BOY!! POTTER WHAT DID YOU SAY?????"  
  
   
  
"I SAID THAT SOMEONE SAID, NO SEXY COME BACK!!!!!"  
  
"That's why I was so shocked, that they would say it to your face!!!! I think they are completely gone off the bender or have a death wish,....I think Malfroy..." I tried to explain.  
  
   
  
"Stop incriminating Malfroy for your own deeds Potter"  
  
   
  
"Its not fucking me"  
  
   
  
"10 points from Gryffindor for language and detention tonight at 7 pm."

  
  
"But you said"  
  
   
  
"That was for 1 week this is for tonight can you keep up Potter?"

  
  
He growled menacingly like he wanted to tear into something with his teeth. Preferably me.  SHITE I'M IN TROUBLE!  
  
   
  
"Who did also hear what MR. Potter claims?!"  
  
   
  
Everyone was dead silent. SHITE WHY NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING???  
  
   
  
"Don't tell me that no one else heard??? Has Mr. Potter gone mad or is it a highly inappropriate prank gone wrong, hmmm?" He says like he wishes it was me so he could tear me- chew me apart like yesterday's news.  
  
   
  
"I heard it too," said Ron, "I just didn't want to say it aloud, that would be crazy..."

  
  
There was a murmur from other Gryffindors. I was relieved-

  
  
"I see," said Snape than "who was it????"  
  
   
  
"ME ; BABE ME YOU ARE SO SEXY!!!"  
  
   
  
This time I managed to cover my mouth before anything else came out of my mouth.

  
  
"Well, well, no one? I see, we don't have time for this nonsense but make no mistake I will catch the culprit and make sure that they won't ever forget it. Come to me after class or during my office hours, for any information on this matter. You will be rewarded, the one responsible will pay dearly. I Am not someone to be trifled with! Understand?

  
  
" Yes, Professor!" all class said in unison.  
  
   
  
"I like it Rough, so damn sexy"  
  
   
  
I heard THE VOICE AGAIN and almost choked on my tongue.  
  
   
  
"BACK to work. And you better work on your tasks or you will join Mr. Potter for detention tonight. OR WORSE-"

  
  
Shite this detention will be the worse... I Can tell.... I wonder if the headmaster could help with this, ....IT WASN'T MY FAULT, for Merlin's sake!!!  
  
Everyone worked diligently, even the snakes were perturbed. Snape's mood rivaled a pissed of snake-demon, demanding blood for retribution, the git was a shite the entire duration of the class.  
  
   
  
Sadly I could still hear someone whispering  
  
   
  
"Oh, sexy so sexy. Talk dirty to me baby."  
  
   
  
This time I wasn't falling for it! I kept my mouth shut and worked until the end.

 

###

 

Shit thank Merlin that class was over. It was the longest class of my life----  
  
   
  
THis is it, for now, even writing this completely exhausted me. Shit, I can't believe Mione thought this was cathartic or something. It s freaking more like relieving a nightmare.  
  
Maybe I will write more, or just focus on a solution for this mess and stop wasting my time writing this. At least Mione said I could burn the parchment after I finished. For cleansing or something- Hell yeah, I don't want anyone finding about this shite!!!!!

 

My Dear Prick, THE WAR IS ON!!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the support and wait:) The next chapter is here!
> 
> Italics: Pricks thoughts

 

I'm writing again. I'm just too furious and frustrated with my damn prick. It's too embarrassing to talk with my 'darling' friend about HIS feelings toward Snape. He is so disgusting!!!!! I can't stand him. How he goes on and on about the git!!!!!

 

Have some TASTE!!!! **_PRICK!!!!!_**

 

_"My beloved, when will I see you again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanna see my darling beautiful--"_

 

**"SHUT UP!!!!"**

 

_"Shorty, let's go to my darling....!"_

 

"Go to hell, PRICK! I'm not--"

 

"Eh. Harry are you  talking to your PRICK???" said Seamus looking at me strangely. 

 

"No, no---Seamus I was just--- you know talking to myself...haha" Shite this prick problem is getting out of hand. 

 

"Ok. If you need to talk?""

 

"No No I'm cool."

 

"Oh ok. Harry, McGonagall wants to see you." Seamus informed me. 

 

"Ah ok, I'm going...." WhAT NOW, I have too many problems already. 

 

####

 

"Mr. Potter, Professor Snape has asked me to speak to you about the---incident"

 

"It's not my fault!"

 

"I'm not blaming you, I merely wish to know if you have any news about the identity of the perpetrator,  Professor Snape has been, well--- he is deeply disturbed about the incident, and quite relentless in the pursuit of this individual or groups responsible for the prank. And he---- quite frankly ---he thinks you are somehow involved... 

 

"I'm not. " The git-- can't he let it go for once????

 

"Professor Snape, has asked his Slytherins about it and no one has any information. No one supports your claim about the events taken place, Mr. Potter! He naturally suspects--"

 

"I didn't do it!!! It's not like that... I would never---most likely someone pranked me not him..."

 

" Yes, but who Mr. Potter?! Professor Snape is adamant to get  to the bottom of this"

 

"I don't know, but I will try to find out, for my SAKE!!"

 

"See that you do. "

 

"Ah, I almost forgot Professor Snape wants to see you."

 

"But, but---"

 

_/"Yes Let's go see our darling!!!/_

 

The damn prick!

 

####

 

Professor Snape office

 

"Sir you wanted to see me?"

 

_"MY LOVE!!!!"_

 

I pinched myself hard trying to stay still and not say anything. 

 

"Well, well Mr. Potter----" he glared his trademark glare, -----seriously I'm the one suffering here! "Any news?"

 

"Eh, no still trying to figure out the one who pranked me."

 

_BABE HELD ME CLOOOOOOOOSE. Let's party TONIGHT!!!_

 

I reached for my glasses trying to massage a sore spot. Trying to relieve stress. 

 

_ME AND YOU AND YOUR BED, the perfect #3_

 

**Unsuccessfully.**

 

"That' s all you have to say for yourself Mr. Potter???"

 

_I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----I SUI SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----CK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----_

 

"SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!"

 

"WHAT DID YOU SAY; POTTER!!!!!!!"

 

_I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----_

 

"NO, Its not like that I wasn't talking to you!!!"

 

_I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----_

 

"And who prey tell, were you talking to boy??!!" The bastard looked like he wanted to eat me alive.

 

_I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----_

 

 

"Shite it's not like that!!!!! Is the damn prank its not my fault. "

 

In Snape's eyes its always my fault. I saw no mercy there.

 

SO I fled.

 

I could still hear it ringing in my ears all the way back,

 

 

_I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----_

 

_I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----_

 

_I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----_

 

_I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----_

 

_WHY Why DID YOU GO AWAY!!!!!!!!      I want I WANT I WANT. FINE THIS IS WAR!!!!!!!!  
_

 

_I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----_

 

_I SUCK YOU YOU SUCK ME;----_

 

_AND we wILL ALLL be HAPPY ---FOR ETERNITY!!!!!!!!!!!_

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> italics- prick talk
> 
>  
> 
> This was a bit too emotional at the end! AH well ,...

Ron, I need your help!

 

What is it mate?

 

You know about the prank ....

 

He went bright red,

 

Yeah, about that ...

 

Do you have any idea? The Slytherins aren't talking! I think it was Malfroy but I have no proof. I went to Snape's office and I could still hear the damn voice. Plus I have another detention tonight!!!

 

Look  mate I haven't heard a thing. I don't know.

 

But did you see someone jinx me or something. You heard the voice right??

 

No I haven't heard a thing. I just said so because it looked like somebody pranked you. We will try to investigate. Where does the voice came from?

 

Ehh, close by I don't know hard to tell I lied, like hell I will not be explaining about the prick. Shit could I go to Madame Pomfrey or Hermione, but I would have to explain grrr..

 

Let s go to Hermione, let her examine you first.

 

 

Well?

 

Difficult to tell I can tell there is something but is no simple spell to counter.

 

I cannot stay like this right??

 

Hm, she said blushing maybe we should talk in private. Ron rolled his eyes but went away.

 

I detect that is coming primary from your ...ehh crotch area.

 

Shit you can tell?

 

Yes but I don't know how to counter it. Maybe Madam Pomfrey ....

 

I really don't want to tell anyone. Can you help me?   


Hermione agreed. But till she finds anything I am stuck with my prick.

 

#Detention

_Hey sexy, I miss you. How is my precious doing? Can't wait to dance with you._

 

It felt like my prick had eyes and could see Snape's prick.

_Let do a tango, darling!!!!_

 

I am a bad dancer I don't know what my prick was expecting. Than it connected, OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I blushed and groaned, my face in my palms slightly shaking my head.

 

What is Potter! It seem the detention is not enough. You need more

_I need more of you, darling!!! Give me a baby shower!!!!!_

 

My prick is so deranged!!!! It has nothing on my personality. Must be the casters???

 

Well Potter I see Ms Granger has decided to make the library her primary residence these days. Care to share??

 

 

She is just working on the problem, sir!??

 

So you know what the problem is???

 

I told you someone cursed me or something.

 

You weren't clear on precisely what curse?

 

I don't know that's why Hermione is looking for a counter. I said exasperated. Why does he always have to blame me for everything? I'm sure he knows that a snake cursed me or even Malfroy,

 

Even if you knew the culprit you wouldn't give them detention/take points?  


 

Oh are you sure about that Potter??

 

Of course, you wouldn't take point from Slytherin.

 

So much like your father, blaming Slythering before knowing the truth. No one of my Slytherins would dare defy me. 10 points from Gryffindor for prejudice.

 

Oh come on you know it wasn't me!!!! It would be too embarrassing I would have no motive my friends wouldn't do something like that to me. Only Slytherins ...

 

Enough, of your misguided accusations. Slytherins wouldn't be so stupid, you twit!!!

 

Yes they could your git!!!

 

As soon as I said it I knew it was the wrong move.

 

50 points from Gryffindor for disrespect and two weeks of detention, is that clear???

 

_Yes sexy talk dirty to me!!!_

 

I wanted to cry-laugh, I could feel my eyes watering I tried to hold on or Snape would continue to be so merciless and cruel. I looked away and took my glasses in my head discretely wiping a stray tear. I felt so alone and defeated. I just wanted to go back to the dorm.

 

_Baby hit me one more time_

 

I could feel someting rip.

 

I really couldn't contain it anymore so instead of crying I started to laugh uncontrollably. I could hear Snape saying something but blissfully I couldn’t understand it. I just kept going on and on. Couldn't think of anything. I felt a hand on my jaw forcefully opening my mouth and a calming draught went down my throat. I felt  it burning down, my legs gave me and strong arms caught me. I forgot who I was with and suddenly all my life flashed before my eyes, all the things that happened didn't break me, but this? It felt like the last straw on my sanity. I just wanted it to end. I could feel something change in the air. The thickness in my chest was leaving me as suddenly as it came over me. A sweet melody could be heard. I smiled and let it wash over me. SO sweet and gentle, the melody washing the pain away, leaving serenity behind. I wanted to hold on to it as much as I could so I held on to it with all my might,

 

DON?T STOO DON?T STOP I begged as I held onto the melody. My arms held onto it. Even if it didnt make sense, to hold the melody in my arms. I did. So good. I was being rocked and held gently, even the stanch of the potions fumes holding onto the melody didn’t disturb my peace. I cuddled onto the melody and hummed in pleasure. With time I learned there were lyrics to the melody and I sang along. It felt purifying. After the peace I fell deeply into a dream. A dream full of promise and happiness. Of peace and love. And hope.


	4. Chapter 4

I was flying. It was amazing. It's not like I haven't dreamt about flying before. It was special this time, because there was someone special to fly with. The person was holding me close and we were flying like we have always flown together. Home. I felt at home. I realized we weren't just flying but dancing together. My partner was caressing the nape of my neck and whispering something sweet. So blissful. I don't want to wake up.  
So obviously I woke up. 

A big nose, yellow teeth and a sneer greeted me. Wonderful. 

It was Snape. 

Potter are you done with your hysterics. 

 

/SEXY HOLD ME CLOSE!!!!!!!!!///

Yeah I’m awake. The crushing reality filled me with despair or … I should have felt that. Instead I felt calm, content, at peace with SNAPE!!!!!?????? Must be still dreaming. I pinched myself but there it was Snape still sneering at me. 

"EH what happened?" I was baffled was I asleep??? Why????

 

"This curse seems to have rapidly progressed."

"Curse??" Oh yeas now I remember.

/SEXY COME BACK????!"/

 

wait a minute.... "YOU KNOW ABOUT THE CURSE????!"

"WHILE you were acting like a banshee, I performed some spells to determine the cause. Imagine my surprise at what I've found ....he glanced at my prick pointedly with a sneer.

/OH MY BABY IS LOOKING AT ME!!!!!/

 

"Quite I am looking at you, and if you call me baby one more time, there will be nothing left of you!/

/YES SEXY I LOVE WHEN YOU TALK DIRTY TO ME/

Snape hissed, “SILENCE!!!!”

Fuck was it a good or bad thing that Snape understood my prick? 

“IT’S NOT ME!!!! I had to emphasize it again. IT's the curse!!!!”

I blushed, “I DON'T THINK ABOUT YOU IN THAT WAY!!!!”

 

/BUT I DO///

“Enough” Snape ordered. “YOU WILL BE SILENT!!!!!”

At first I wasn't sure if it was meant for me or my prick or both. 

“The curse will affect you Mr. Potter until you …. The look he gave me … was the absolutely nasties Snape look ever, “UNTIL you admit to yourself your perversions and unfortunately to the recipient of your adulation, myself. 

"WHAT THAT’S BOLLOCKS"""

“20 points from Gryffindor for language. And this is the simple truth. I am not interested to hear about your highly unwelcome desires, but alas if you do not it will only get worse.” 

"That can’t be. I will go to Madam Pomfrey, she will find a cure!!!"

"Do as you wish then come back and maybe it will penetrate your sick scull, ...

 

/YEAH Let’s PENETRATE EACH OTHER/

“SILENCE!!!!! You will contain this curse or you will be forbidden to attend classes. I won't be subjected to this garbage! IS IT CLEAR MR. POTTER?????”

“Yeah” I said and fled to the infirmary. 

Turns out SNAPE WAS RIGHT!!!! UGH!!! I HAD TO OWN UP TO MY SUBCONCIOUS SEXUAL DESIRES TOWARD Snape. And I still didn't know who cursed me!!! They will pay. 

BACK TO SNAPE.

“You finally realized what you have to do to regain your sanity.”

“I'm losing my sanity!” I shouted. 

“Don't YELLL at me Potter! The curse is your problem if you don't want to get madder you better start dealing with your problem.” 

 

I was so freaking furious I couldn't say anything, even my prick was silent the traitor waiting for my demise. Bastard!!!

"You are ....

Snape was waiting for me to continue. 

“Come on Potter we don't have all day.”

“You are very; I couldn't bring myself to say it”

“Spill it out Potter,” Snape glared. 

“YOU ARE SO SEXY!” I said and fled to my dorm utterly mortified. 

 

HOW HUMILITANING: AT LEAST IS OVER AND SNAPE CAN’T EVEN HUMILLATE ME IN CLASS, hopefully. 

/YEAH WE LOVE SEXY NOW WE ONLY NEED TO TAP THAT!!!!!!/

 

"WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT???"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos and comments.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LIFE WHAT LIFE?

I ran to Snape's office, of course, it was the middle of the night and Snape went to bed. Just when I needed to yell at him!!!! UGH!!!

The bastard played me for a fool!!! Of course it didn't work!!!

I knocked madly on his door!!!

"YOU BASTARD!!YOU BASTARD!!YOU BASTARD!!YOU BASTARD!!YOU BASTARD!!YOU BASTARD!!"

"What is the meaning of this, Potter? DO YOU WANT TO BE IN DETANTION FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE???????"

/SEXY I'm BACK/

"SILENCE!!!! What did I say???? Talk to me one more time and you will be history." 

Snape actually looked at the direction of my prick, who only nudged in excitement. 

"Don't talk to it that way, it likes it!!!!"

 

"Masochistic, are you? " He said almost sounding interested???

"NOOOO," I screamed "I did what you told me and it still speaks!!!!" I exclaimed furiously.

"Hold YOUR TEMPER, POTTER. I won't allow disrespect are you clear???"

"BUT!"

"NO BUTS! ITS QUITE CLEAR why you failed, POtter. DID YOU MEAN WHAT YOU SAID??!" He asked pontedlly. 

"MEAN WHAT?"

"Earlier today when you declared your intentions, as it were. WERE YOU SERIOUS?!"

"Of course I wasn't!"

Snape sneered. "There is your answer do return when you are ready to confront your demons. AND NOT A MOMENT BEFORE!!! UNTIL YOU DEAL WITH THE PROBLEM YOU ARE STILL BANNED FROM MY CLASS!"

"Now go!

"Buttt

"GO;!!!

I went.

"AH POTTER; 30 points from Gryffindor for disrespect and 10 for being out of curfew." 

BASTARD!! I'm really screwed!

THE NEXT DAY

HOw should I bring myself to acknowledge the desires that I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE??? THIS curse there has to be something I could fool it with? 

"HERMIONE PLEASE HELP ME OR I WILL GET MAD!!!!"

"HArry I tried, I have so many other things to DO! Madame Pomfrey already gave you the answer! You cannot always rely on me!!!" She huffed. "Besides this curse can be easily lifted if only you would be honest with yourself!!!"

"That's no way, Mione It's a curse designed to get me bonkers!!!! It's no way I feel that way about the git!!!!!"

"I don't know Harry you obviously do", she looked at me with obvious pity and what was that? disgust????

Bollocks!!! This can't be happening.

"I'm not even queer!" I yelled at her.

Later I found a copy of a queer magazine on my pillow. 

PERFECT! SHIT THIS CAN'T BE MY LIFE?

I perused the magazine, because what was left to do? The magazine had a young athlete section (mostly quidditch players UHHHHH, and older men" Snort. Yeah because that supposed to be my jig?

Still I tried to find some more. I thought the athlete-focused magazines were useless, they made me self-conscious about my body and envious about other men's bodies. WHY I WAS SO SHORT AND LEAN? NO GREATLY DEFINED MUSCLES or attributes. I was so plain in comparison. WHEN I WAS A QUIDDITCH PLAYER MYSELF!!!!! IT WAS SALT ON MY PRIDE! I started exercising more. 

THE OLD men were so weird, kind of predatory or overly muscled. AGAIN. They were older and perhaps had bigger pricks? Some sort of over-compensation? THERE WERE no SNAPE look-alikes, of course, because SNAPE IS UGLY AS FUCK! And he is kind of a predator, still no excitement there. DID I HAVE WEIRD TASTES IN MEN??? OR WAS IT JUST SNAPE???

Eventually I reported my findings to MIone, there was really no one else to talk about this, OK THE TRUTH WAS I wanted her to finally come around on this, so she would FINALLY start helping me with research.

"Look ; harry I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe you should, I don’t know,…"

"WHAT?! TELL ME!"

"IT'S A LITTLE EXTREME AND ALSO HIGHLY INNAPROPRAIATE AND PROBABLY AGAINST THE RULES,..."

Right up my alley. 

"JUST TELL ME! FOR Merlin’s sake, MIone." 

"FINE! MAYBE YOU Should hug Snape or initiate some kind of physical contact!"

"WHAT ???"

/NOW WE ARE TALKING; LET’s SHAG HIM! THAT WOULD BE UNDENIABLE PROOF!!!!///

 

"SHI*UT UP ;PRICK!!!!"

"Look Its not the best, but you should probably DO SOMETHING THAT COULD HELP YOU REALIZE YOUR DESIRE OR RATHER ACKNOWLADGE IT. Otherwise you would just be wasting your Time and MINEEE. Still Its risky!"

"Fine I’ll think of something," maybe brush by SNAPE? hug seemed kind of extreme,...

/LET’S SHAG, LET’S SHAG, LET’S SHAG, LET’S SHAG, LET’S SHAG, LET’S SHAG,/

"SHUT UP!!!!!" This is gonna be hell!!!

I needed to formulate a plan!!!

Snape was alone after his last class of the day I waited outside for anyone to get out of the classroom. MY invisible cloak come in handy. I slipped after the last student so he wouldn’t notice me. I slowly approached his desk he was already concentrated on grading, my prick agreed to be silent just because he thought he would get some action, the fool-

THE PLAN? After I get closer I 'd be brushing against him the curse would finally realize there was nothing there. And I will be free.

With trepidation I closed the last distance, he must have sensed something because he latched onto me and I fell on his lap with a grunt. He quickly uncloaked me and we stared at each other for what felt like eternity. I was speechless. I could only look deep into his eyes and felt something??? WHAT WAS IT? I felt breathless. Weird. The next minute I was on the floor, my butt landed hard on the cold floor and I woke up. Or I felt like the times I was immersed in a half-dream like state. Like waking up from a dream. BUT THIS WAS NO DREAM! EVEN IF IT FELT LIKE A NIGHTMARE!!! It was reality. 

"What was the meaning of this?" he was surprisingly calm in a deadly snakey way. 

"I just, I just wanted to see" I sputtered finding it difficult to speak.

"SEE WHAT POTTER???"

"If I felt anything in your close proximity! I mean I'm sure the curse is a misunderstanding!!!" I wanted to plead with him but I KNEW it would have been futile with him. I'm not one to plead anyway!

"You weren’t led by your prick?" He mocked. 

He sighed tiredly. 

"The headmaster wishes for your return to my class but I won’t abide for such displays any longer." His face was an inch away from mine, I was ensnarled again. 

"Let this be the end of it." 

He said as he kissed me.


	6. Chapter 6

Snape’s kiss was boring, forgettable and just plain disgusting. It was like kissing potion foams, inhaling a deadly poisonous gas. Why I wasn’t dead yet?

Someone moaned. Snape was an old dirty man after all- He held me closer, his robes were rough to the touch and dirty like him. There was no pleasure in the moment. Only disdain. No rhythm of unified bodies joining in perfect bliss merely an unavoidable result of all the years hating each other, This was only a confirmation.

Another moan. 

Snape was really ugly and a complete bastard. 

Moaaninhgggg

Didn’t he had any pride left? Moaning so fervently while kissing his most hated student? It seemed not. The kiss left me feverish, disoriented and … unsteady fortunately I was sitting on him and was not on my feet- He was really into the kiss. He was a disgrace really. 

Moaning sounds

I felt too breathless and needed to stop. But somehow couldn’t find the right moment to stop the kiss? 

When does one stop? 

“Hot” I breathed at least he wouldn’t leave me for long. I barely managed to whisper. Snape left my mouth and trailed kisses alongside my jaw. Reaching the pulse in my neck. 

“YOU VAMPIRE!!!!” I giggled. Shit I didn’t want to react that way. Still he leeched at my sensitive pulse point.

Snape was moaning again the git!

“I’m not your meal.” I tried to say. 

“Aren’t you?” he breathed. Shivers ran down my spine. “It’s cold” I said not knowing how to respond. He held me tighter I realized I wasn’t actually cold but hot. My body left me bereft, foregone were any notions of propriety. I felt betrayed and abandoned. This wasn’t me?

“I feel weird” I said.

He merely smirked and stopped just long enough to look deeply in my eyes.

“Do you want me to stop?” He breathed on my lips making me shiver again. He looked so serious and for once he wasn’t mocking me. I didn’t know how to react to an UNMOCKING Snape. I wasn’t used to this. 

“I, I,I … I don’t know!” I finally confessed because it was the utter and complete truth in that moment. He seemed to sensed it.

“How about you say what you must and you may leave, deal?” 

“What?” Oh now I remembered. IT WAS BECAUSE OF THE CURSE! MY DAMN PRICK!! 

“Ok. I will try.” We stared at each other and I almost forgot what I was supposed to do. 

“I like, I like …. Your kisses.” I blushed as Ai SAID IT and was too stubborn to look away. 

“Is that so?”, Snape lifted his eyebrow rather mockingly or NO….. it was more amused- I relaxed. I couldn’t bear to be mocked while confessing this. 

“Yeas. Is that enough?” I asked but silently hoping with all my might for freedom. 

“Ask your companion?” 

It was embarrassing to do so in front of Snape but I wanted to confirm it before I left. I didn’t want it to be like last time. 

NOTHING: BLESSED silence! Still I wasn’t convinced what if it was just bidding its time or waiting for me to continue like this? My prick would talk wouldn’t it? Just to make sure I would keep kissing Snape… 

“Ahem If you don’t say anything I will go and never kiss Snape again!” I proclaimed to my prick. 

SILENCE.

“Is it really over?” I asked Snape hopefully. He cast a few spells and the git!!!!! He could have casted them sooner but of course he wanted to humiliate me any chance he got. 

“It seems…” he paused. “Not interested in the answer are you, Mr. Potter? Prefer to kiss your way out of trouble, hmm?”

He kissed me again. I immediately reciprocated maybe it needed some more action? With trembling hands, I started to unbutton his vest. I was frustrated it was taking too long. He breathed something not even stopping the fervent kisses. His robes opened revealing a vast expand of chest hair I wasn’t sure how to proceed. Would they be as greasy as his hair? He cast a quick cleaning charm on himself and I was relieved. I tactilely put my hand on his chest. 

OHHHHH It was incredibly soft and fluffy* Was it because of the charm or was it always so? I wondered. There was nothing soft or fluffy about Snape but I made an unexpected discovery it seemed. How many people knew about it? Not many I Imagined. He was an ugly and a bastard of course. Maybe his snakes liked it. Suddenly I felt a lump forming in my throat. Did he do this with anyone else? Other students?

“What it is, Mr. Potter?”

“Do you, do you do this with them too?”

“Them??”

“Other students. Slytherins?” 

He snorted. “My private life is my own. Still I will graciously inform you that no. You. Mr. Potter seem to be an exception, as always.”

I was relieved to hear that. Still he could have lied. 

I was looking at him trying to read him. 

“Do you want to Stop?” he asked instead. Still I was uncertain. 

“This is against the school rules?” I asked.

“Since when do you care about school rules?” he mocked. 

“Since its important!”

“What it is Potter? Interesting that kissing is the one rule you are worried about. Kissing is not against school rules as long it is for medical/healing purposes. This qualifies.”

“Still your hand,” he pointed with his long beak, “IS.”

I sprang from him. Having had enough.

“I won’t be your verbal punching bag or your boy toy.” I declared hotly. 

I could feel my eyes sting. Still I held on. I moved to the door. 

“Stop!” he ordered and was by my side in a flash. 

“You are an insufferable…”

“Stop!” I said “Stop!!!”!” I had enough. “You can’t understand how much humiliating this is. As if I didn’t have a mad dark lord after me, killing everybody I loved. You want to push me to the edge do you? SNAPE? you want me to throw myself off the tower to….”

“Enough, Potter. I won’t enable your pathetic displays. This pity party has gone far enough. You are not the only victim! The world doesn’t revolve around you! You are just ….” His intense look of hatred was the final straw. 

I looked him deadly serious, “What am I? I waste of space a freak? Someone who should never been born….?”

“Yes!” he shouts. 

I ran. My legs were barely supporting myself I ran to the astronomy tower I could feel the breeze of the wind I wanted to fly. I opened my arms to the sky and leaped … 

instead of rising up I fell and fell-

The ground swallowed me. 

It was hard, unyielding and …..soft?

Soft???

 

Are you mad boy!!! What has gotten into you??? Snape was hysterical barely making any sense. I don’t remember seeing him like that, ever. 

“I just wanted to fly.” I exclaimed like it was the most natural thing in the world. When I’m upset I fly. Didn’t he know that?

And I realised I was flying, I was flying with Snape. 

“Am I dead? or I am flying with you?”

We sored to the sky, I could feel peace. 

I was finally at peace.


End file.
